LOOK IT UP3

 SCENE 3

BARNETT: So, you identify as a robot.   

STEPHEN: As in a transexual gentleman identifying as a woman?  

BARNETT: If you like.

STEPHEN: No. 

BARNETT: Please explain.

STEPHEN: (Sighs - Clicks his fingers - Clarissa's face twitches) I am a bionic man. I am not pretending to be something that I'm not. 

BARNETT: Are you saying that people who choose to be something other than the sex they were born with are pretending to be something they're not? (Twitch)

STEPHEN: Yes.

BARNETT: So, you'd be a transphobic robot? (Twitch)

STEPHEN: No. I don't have a problem with people dressing as they wish, that's their business. If, however, they were to insist on having me regard them as a sexuality other than the one I saw before me, I might be forced to withdraw.

DARLING: (Daniel is eating a doughnut) You'd be forced to withdraw in case you lost your temper and killed someone?

STEPHEN: No. I would not wish to upset anyone by pointing out the illogicality of their reasoning. Don't speak with you mouth full, Daniel. It's uncouth.

DARLING: Fuck off!

STEPHEN: Language, darling! 

BARNETT: Stephen, what you did you did today you did without a weapon of any kind. And you appear to have survived the experience unscathed. How did you accomplish this?

STEPHEN: I'm a bionic man, Clarissa.

DARLING: Like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator films?

MICHAEL. No. More like Lee Majors in the 6 Million Dollar Man. 

DARLING: (To Clarissa) He wants us to think he's nuts, Ma'am. After a cushy number in Broadmoor be my guess.

BARNETT: So you named yourself after the 'Six Million Dollar Man?'

MICHAEL: No. Some anonymous wit in a white overcoat named me when I was out of it.

BARNETT: Explain, please. (Twitch)

STEPHEN: At one point in my life a particular event rendered me comatose. On waking, I was told that I was now Steve Austin. 

BARNETT: Must have been a little overwhelming.

STEPHEN: Not really. It was explained to me that, rather than let me die, my identity and physical status had been adjusted. I was pleased to be alive. And grateful. They could have done anything with me at that point.

BARNETT: How long ago was that?

STEPHEN: A while. 

DARLING: Can you tell us what kind of work you were tasked to do?

STEPHEN: I could.

DARLING: Go on then.

STEPHEN: No.

DARLING: Why not.

STEPHEN: I don't like you. You're an idiot and Clarissa's face keeps twitching in a very off-putting way.

DARLING: That's not very nice.

STEPHEN: It's not, is it? True though.

BARNETT: Are you saying I have a facial tic?

STEPHEN: Yes. Yours is one of the twitchiest faces I've ever seen.

BARNETT: No, it isn't.

STEPHEN: Yes, it is.

BARNETT: No, it isn't.

STEPHEN: Is!

BARNET: Isn't!

STEPHEN: Is!

BARNETT: Shut up!

STEPHEN: You shut up! I'm not the one that's twitching!

BARNETT: I could have you killed!

STEPHEN: I could have you sectioned! You're obviously an escaped lunatic! Twitching all over the place like that!

BARNETT: I'm not twitching! (To Darling) Am I twitching?

DARLING: Er... Not really, not very much. 

BARNETT: Sergeant.

DARLING: Yes, ma'am.

BARNETT: I'm not twitching, am I?

DARLING: No. Definitely not!

BARNETT: So why did you say I was? (Twitch)

DARLING: Slip of the tongue, Ma'am. Won't happen again.

BARNETT: See that it doesn't. Now, you heard what he said. Are you going to stand by and allow a rabid Nazi to demean me in this way?

DARLING: No, ma'am. Certainly not. What do you want done with him?

BARNETT: Boil him.

DARLING: Pardon me?

BARNETT: Boil him. Slowly. For all the world to see.

DARLING: You want him boiled?

BARNETT: Yes.

DARLING: I don't think that's allowed, Miss.

BARNETT: What?

DARLING: I think boiling went out with Mrs. Thatcher.

BARNETT: Are you refusing a direct order?

DARLING: Oh, no, Miss, I'd never do that.

BARNETT: Then do your duty, damn you, and boil the bastard!

DARLING: Could I have that in writing, please?

BARNETT: What? What? You want me to write it down? Are you trying to be funny? I'm MI5!

DARLING: No, Ma'am. It's just that, well, how do you boil a robot? If I boil him, what's going to happen. It might cause a nuclear reaction, or something.

BARNETT: Ah.

DARLING: See?

BARNETT: Yes. I hadn't thought of that. Well spotted, Sergeant. You see how tricky these robots can be? Trying to get us to boil him like that. When all along he knew it would cause a nuclear reaction? Cunning swine. Now then, Stephen, where were we? 

STEPHEN: I insist on being interviewed by someone who doesn't twitch or want me boiled.

BARNETT: What?

STEPHEN: I refuse to be interviewed by a mad weirdo with an uncontrollable face! (Clarissa begins to twitch, wobble and hiss violently. Just before she seems about to explode, she freezes) Daniel. (Whispering) Listen to me very carefully. Very nonchalantly, so as not to arouse suspicion, or wake her up, I want you to cast your eyes around the room.

DARLING: (Whispering) What?

STEPHEN: You're looking for a handbag. Clarissa's handbag. Can you see it?

DARLING: Yes. 

STEPHEN: I want you to reach into that handbag and...

DARLING: I'm not doing that. There'll be all her private stuff in there. Woman things.

DARLING: Just do it, Daniel, your life may depend on it.

DARLING: I'm not doing what a Nazi tells me!

STEPHEN: If I promise I'm not a Nazi, will you do it?

DARLING: I don't know.

STEPHEN: I'm not a Nazi, Daniel, honest, I'm just a silly old robot who means no harm to anyone, except mad terrorists, politicians and the PC Crowd.

DARLING: You'll get me shot you will.

STEPHEN: Daniel, I've seen this kind of thing before in high profile people. They're subject to a lot of stress, you know. The need to get results, perform well, impress those even higher up the greasy pole than they are. Now, if I'm right, in Clarissa's handbag, you'll find a bottle of tablets. One or two of which she has forgotten to take. This is what making her twitch and behave in a very strange way. If you don't get a couple of them down her throat immediately her head may explode. And, if it does, I wouldn't want to be around to experience what comes next.

DARLING: All right, I'll do it, but if you're winding me up...

STEPHEN: Hurry, Daniel, before she snaps out of it... 

DARLING: Is this them? (Extracts a bottle of tablets from Clarissa's handbag)

STEPHEN: What does it say on the bottle?

DARLING: Extremely strong tablets for overwrought policewomen.

STEPHEN: That's them, Daniel. Now, put one in her mouth and move her jaw up and down.

DARLING: I don't like this.

STEPHEN: She'll thank you for it in the end, Daniel. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.

DARLING: What now?

STEPHEN: Another one, Daniel.

DARLING: You sure?

STEPHEN: Yes. It's the only way. (Daniel puts another one in her mouth, makes her chew the tablet) Give her a drink of water. (Daniel does so - Clarissa begins to revive) Her handbag, Daniel! Put it back where it was! If she wakes up to find it's not in exactly the same place, she'll start twitching again!

BARNETT: What happened?

DARLING: You had a bit of a funny turn, Ma'am. Feinted away there for a minute.

BARNETT: Ah, right. I know what the problem is. Pass me my handbag. (Clarissa takes two more tablets) Water, please, Daniel.

DARLING: Erm, do you think you should, Miss?

BARNETT: I know what I'm doing, Daniel. Right. Better now. I feel like a new woman. So, Mister Austin, if I were to categorise you as a Bionic Man who imagines he has a mission to save mankind, would that be accurate?

STEPHEN: I advise and assist mankind where I can. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: The people with whom you stay, those who know you well, do they know you're a robot?

STEPHEN: No. 

BARNETT: Any affairs of the robotic heart?

STEPHEN: That would be telling.

BARNETT: Has anyone ever come on to you?

STEPHEN: Confidences must be kept, Clarissa, I'm sure you understand.

BARNETT: No hanky panky then? No uncontrollable thrusting of the hips?

STEPHEN: The sensual life of a cyborg is best kept to himself, I'm sure you know this.

BARNETT: I hope you don't mind me saying, Stephen, but, for an elderly robot, you are devilishly attractive.

DARLING: I know.

BARNETT: When did you last have relations?

STEPHEN: Shhh, Clarissa, be a good Superintendant.

BARNETT: Don't be like that, Stephen, we both know you want me desperately.

STEPHEN: Oh, I do, Clarice, I really do, but, you're out there and I'm in here.

BARNETT: I can do something about that.

STEPHEN: I'm sure you can, my darling, but, look around you, there's a much younger, testosterone-fuelled alternative available... 

DARLING: Eh? (Stephen clicks his fingers)

STEPHEN: (Addresses the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, everything that happened over the course of the last few minutes never actually happened. I just introduced this sequence to show you the kind of things that might occur in a bionic man's imagination when he's feeling a bit fed up. Right let's rewind to the place where everything made sense... (Stephen clicks his fingers)