New Labour's top 50 achievements

The 'top 50 achhievements' of the New Labour government are cited at the party's web site.

This is an off-the-top-of the-head response to said list:

"1. Longest period of sustained low inflation since the 60s."

Hmm. Let's forget all about the credit crunch, the mortgage situation, and the price of everything skyrocketing as we speak, shall we?

"2. Low mortgage rates."

Bit out of date these achivements, methinks! Er no - it's on the New Labour web site as we speak. Don't THEY get told what's happening outside the Westminster Village?

"3. Introduced the National Minimum Wage and raised it to £5.52."

Wow! Do the sweat shop Indian kiddies who supply Primark et al know about this?

"4. Over 14,000 more police in England and Wales."

Yeah. Most of 'em Blunkett Bobby - cartoon cut-outs, good for a hoodie laugh but not much use otherwise

"5. Cut overall crime by 32 per cent."

Boll***s! If you believe this, your name is Gordon Brown.

"6. Record levels of literacy and numeracy in schools."

Even more boll***s! If you believe this your name is Napoleon and you live in a nice, self-contained rubber room in Broadmoor.

"7. Young people achieving some of the best ever results at 14, 16, and 18."

This could be true. As it would have have to be when you lower the standards to the point where you get extra marks if you write "f*** off" on your exam paper.

"8. Funding for every pupil in England has doubled."

Yep. Hurl the money at projects like Jane Lane's "even-babies-can-be- racists"-so-get-whitey-early project.

"9. Employment is at its highest level ever."

Employment OF FOREIGNERS is at its highest level ever.

"10. Written off up to 100 per cent of debt owed by poorest countries."
Yep. Now how about writing 100% of the debt of the hard up British, Gordon?
No? That's what I thought you'd say.

"11. 85,000 more nurses."

Most of them from the third world. Some of these have AIDS, one or two don't know what an aspirin is and others don't think washing their hands is all that necessary.

"12. 32,000 more doctors."

I wonder how many of these would be home-grown and indigenous? Not so many, I guarantee.

"13. Brought back matrons to hospital wards."

Well, whoopee! If it's true. And who removed them in the first place?

"14. Devolved power to the Scottish Parliament."

Yep. The Scots got to govern themselves. Now what nationality is Gordon Brown again? And what nationality is Tony Blair?

After allowing the Scots to govern themselves, The Irish Scot, Tony B Liar employed almost 50 times as many Scots in his cabinet and Ministries as he ought to have done, in respect of their incidence in the general population.

I suspect wee Gordie's chauvinistic preferences aren't far short of the cited anti-English statistic.

"15. Devolved power to the Welsh Assembly."

We don't mind this.

"16. Dads now get paternity leave of 2 weeks for the first time."

How does this affect the absent dads of the black community?

"17. NHS Direct offering free convenient patient advice."

What does this mean? NU-speak usually covers up some bulls*** or other.

"18. Gift aid was worth £828 million to charities last year."

Nobody sent me a gift!

"19. Restored city-wide government to London."

Under Red Ken Livingstone! And New Labour is claiming this as an achievement?

"20. Record number of students in higher education."

Yeah. All the more money for the wallet-stuffers, seeing as most students nowadays leave further education tens of thousands of pounds in debt.

And if you are in the habit of watching The Weakest Link you will have noted that, in Airstrip 1 these days, most students can't add up, take away, multiply, divide or spell.

"21. Child benefit up 26 per cent since 1997."

Yep. Whack the cash to the ethnic fast-breeder. That's going to make the rest of us feel a lot better.

"22. Delivered 2,200 Sure Start Children’s Centres."

See answer 8.

"23. Introduced the Equality and Human Rights Commission."

In order to torture Whitey even more!

"24. £200 winter fuel payment to pensioners & up to £300 for over-80s."

They're going to need it with the price of fuel going through the roof.

"25. On course to exceed our Kyoto target for reducing greenhouse gas emissions."

Bulls***! What about this 6th runway you're planning to build at Heathrow!

"26. Restored devolved government to Northern Ireland."

OK.

"27. Over 36,000 more teachers in England and 274,000 more support staff and teaching assistants."

Spot the difference? 36,000/274,000? Is there anyone out there who wouldn't rather have the figures the other way around?

"28. All full time workers now have a right to 24 days paid holiday."

Tell that to Abdul, Mohammed and the 300 illegal 5p-an-hour coolies they've got stashed in the cellar.

"29. A million pensioners lifted out of poverty."

The credit crunch and the massive price rises will stick 'em right back where Big Brother thinks they belong.

"30. 600,000 children lifted out of relative poverty."

I didn't have much when I was a kid but boy oh boy, was I happier than our kids are now. A New Labour apparatchik wishes to quibble! Check this out:

In February 2007, UNICEF released a report stating that the UK was the worst place in the developed world for children to grow up. Family breakdown, drink, drugs and fear of violence have left British kids 21st out of 21 in the happiness table. This despite the fact that Britain is the fourth wealthiest nation in the world. Robert Whelan of Civitas said:

"I have seen the evidence piling up for 20 years that married families are better for children than single parents or stepfamilies. The question is how long the Government can close its eyes to the reality."

The United States ranked second bottom in this child welfare table. And yet the Blairs and the Bushes think they have the right to export their brutal vision of the perfect society to the rest of the world. Oh, and beware of words like 'relative.'

"31. Introduced child tax credit giving more money to parents."

More cash for immigrants.

"32. Scrapped Section 28 and introduced Civil Partnerships."

Yeah. Promote the botty burgler and demote heterosexual marriage. That'll be good if you're at war with a country's culture and institutions.

"33. Brought over 1 million social homes up to standard."

Oh yeah? Whose living in these homes?

"34. Inpatient waiting lists down by over half a million since 1997."

Last time I was in a hospital waiting room, there were around a hundred immigrant types in front of me. I figured my health would be better served elsewhere. Some place where there wasn't 100 sick foreigners all huddled together in a small room. I left without being checked out.

"35. Banned fox hunting."

I wonder how many working-class folk whose countryside jobs depended on foxhunting are working now?

Adolf Hitler banned foxhunting in Germany. 15 years after he banned it, the fox was extinct in that country.

"36. Cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since before the industrial revolution."

You sure? Let's get Blair and Brown to taste the water in the rivers near Sellafield, shall we?

"37. Free TV licences for over-75s."

Good. How about free TV licences for over-65s?

"38. Banned fur farming and the testing of cosmetics on animals."

Have you? Are you sure this isn't still going on? How about all these countries you trade with? Is it still happening there?

"39. Free breast cancer screening for all women aged between 50-70."

What? You mean it's not free for all women?

"40. Free off peak local bus travel for over-60s."

Good.

"41. New Deal - helped over 1.8 million people into work."

Part-time work; bulls*** jobs and job opportunities for foreigners. Yeah, we know all about it.

"42. Over 3 million child trust funds have been started."

And I bet they don't last long when the credit is really crunching.

"43. Free eye test for over 60s."

How about free eye tests for everyone? That's how it used to be. Who changed things?

"44. More than doubled the number of apprenticeships."

Pardon me? Everyone knows apprenticeship is a dark age concept. Nu Labour and the Tories have seen to that. Do you mean double as in 2 x 50 bottle-washers = 100 bottle-washers? Something like that?

"45. Free entry to national museums and galleries."

Oh? I didn't know this. I must partake.

"46. Overseas aid budget more than doubled."

Yep. More of our money for Jomo Foreigner and the tin-pot dictators of the third world.

"47. Heart disease deaths down by 150,000 and cancer deaths down by 50,000."

Really? Can I see the uncooked figures, please?

"48. Cut long-term youth unemployment by 75 per cent."

Hmm. How about youth unemployment overall? I mean there does seem to be lots and lots and lots of surly, slit eyed hoodies knocking about in the afternoons these days. They can't all be happy night shift workers.

"49. Free nursery places for every three and four-year-olds."

Yeah. At the kind of nurseries where Jane Lane's little, red book instructs the childminder to look for baby racists.

"50. Free fruit for most four to six-year-olds at school."

Good. How about free fruit for all schoolchildren?

Not much of an 'achievement' list, is it?